What does your partner find sexy about your disability?

This time I asked the question! I posed this to disability-focused lists and forums: What do our partners find sexy about our disabilities.

The question was an attempt to focus on sexy as a normal part of the disability experience and relationships. It seemed to me that we were getting to the point where we could not talk about being sexy without the D word popping up.

Anyone who gets involved with someone who has a disability becomes suspect and is assumed a devotee. This does an injustice to all parties.

The person attracted to someone with a disability automatically gets labeled as having a fetish and his or her motives are called into question. The partner with the disability is assumed unattractive, suggesting one must be imbalanced to be attracted to us. And the person who is actually sexually oriented to some aspect of a disability -- whether it be a brace or a stump or a leg bag -- is automatically assumed to be deviant in all aspects of his or her sexual relationships.

Sexual relationships and sexual orientations are much more complex than this.

Just because someone finds something sexy or attractive about a various aspect of a disability, say a scar for example, doesn't make him or her a devo or a deviate. I would not characterize my wife as a devo yet there are things she finds sexy about me related to my disability.

For example, there's an indent in my hip where they took bone out for an anterior fusion in my neck, and my wife likes to feel it. I also have a wide scar on my abdomen from some surgery. It's very smooth and she traces it with her finger. My fingers are contracted and when we were first courting she used to almost unconsciously stretch them out and massage them as we talked. Sexy doesn't have to be just physical. It could be the way you relate. I could go on, but others have their own perspectives to add to the mix.

As expected when doing research on sexuality and disability, some people thought the question was provocative, others perverse, and still others, plain perverted. As I explained to some, the actual question really just serves as a bridge into discussions around this topic. People will interpret and react to it from their own perspective. The responses are important as they add richness to the various dimensions of our relationships.
Love is blind

Quadlover said he has often wondered about this question and suggested maybe it is true that love is blind. For many it was. They didn't see the disability, only the person. L&k says "My babe is 6 months new to a C5-C6 SCI, incomplete injury. I find her extremely sexy. I always have and I always will. She is the same person to me, inside and out, as before her injury. Though she can't walk, we continue to do things together, spend time, etc., as before. That's what really counts."

Annonymous notes, "I didn't know the person I love before (the disability), but I have seen pictures. They are just as sexy to me now as they are in those pictures ... more so maybe because of the special person they are inside and out. … And gorgeous -- gorgeous indeed!"

Darlene, who has cerebral palsy, asked her able-bodied partner, who replied, "Who said I found anything about your disability sexy? How about you send something in that says I find YOU sexy notwithstanding your disability."

Scooter said, "The bottom line is women aren't attracted to me because of my chair, but because of the man sitting in it." Keith asked his spouse what she found sexy or exciting about his disability and she simply stated, "The guy that comes with the disability." "Go figure," he says.
The whole package

Ingrid was inspired to ask her partner, Robert, of 18 years what he finds sexy about her. He said it was "the whole package," particularly her enthusiasm, her sense of fun, her hugs, her body weight and her body color. She then asked him the opposite question: does he find anything unsexy about her disability. She thought he might mention the fact that he has to position her, but all he said was that sometimes he felt pain during intercourse because her pelvis is tilted as her hips are inverted due to cerebral palsy. Ingrid guesses that they just love each other.

Nicko was afraid this might be a very short article as sexy is not a word she connects with her disability. Her husband thought she was sexy before her accident, and he still finds her sexy. She thinks it is despite her disability, not because of it. She writes, "I think he admires my mind and spirit, because of the way I deal with problems and keep a big smile on my face. But I think he'd like the old bod' back as much as I would."
Attitude is everything

Veranda notes, "My partner says what makes me sexy is the way that I carry myself. I still wear cute and sexy clothes, faithfully go get my nails done, and every three months I get my hair colored or touched up with highlights because I believe I have no limits. And he also says (he likes) the way I still want to have a sexual relationship even though I'm in a chair. I also have a scar on my leg that he always rubs and says is sexy. To paraphrase a bit from Forest Gump, I think sexy is what sexy does."

From Greg, "My spouse likes my availability. I have MS and I get to stay home a lot. I conserve what energy I do have for spending time with my lover."
Scars

Many people related to my example of a scar. Maybe as Scooter noted it is because every scar tells a story about us. Angus has noticed that when girls rub the scar on the back of his neck their eyes light up. "Chicks dig scars!" he says.

Guys do too. Chipper wrote that her husband really likes her strong arms and the scars on her back from all the spine surgery she has had. "I find that he traces the scars on my back when he is tense and when he is aroused."

Erica was quite excited about the scar thing also: "Actually a lot of the guys I dated LOVED this scar I have on my belly right above my belly button from where they opened me up to check for any internal bleeding. ... They thought the scar was sexy as hell. ... I used to be so self conscious about my scars and now I like them."
Muscles

Mishapie shared that her boyfriend with a T4 injury from eight years ago has the most beautiful arms and shoulders she has ever seen or felt. "He doesn't understand why I'm so turned on when he flexes his arm in my hand ... and now I'm comfortable enough to not be self-conscious when I touch him where he can't feel. ... He's so beautiful to me, all over."
'It's all bad'

There were a few out there who could see nothing sexy about disability. One person noted that there were non-disability related things about him that his wife liked, but there were no physical, mental or emotional traits brought on by his disability that she likes (or that he liked, for that matter). "It's all bad," he said.

While we cannot do much to change the physical, I have to believe there is hope to improve the mental and emotional outlook. Our choice of our outlook on life is one thing that is within our control, and sexy is in the eye of the beholder.

For those who have questioned how anyone can find them attractive with a disability, here is your answer! Partners do find us -- including things about our disability -- sexy! Disabled does not equal unattractive and disability has the potential to bring out some admirable qualities. Sometimes we don't believe it when our own partner says we are still sexy because we may feel so different from people without disabilities or from ourselves, in the case of an acquired disability. I think it is affirming for everyone to hear partners' perspectives.

Tips on How To Gain Weight Quickly

Tips on how to gain weight quickly are priceless to skinny people who struggle to put on some extra pounds. The world we live in is a contradictory one. There are folks who put on weight rather effortlessly and yearn to lose their weight and fats through unhealthy diets. Yet on the other end of the spectrum, thin people find it tremendously challenging to gain that extra few pounds to enhance their physical appearance and regain some masculine appeal in the case of men. Skinny ladies also dream of fitting nicely into beautiful clothes that look so fabulous on those svelte and voluptuous models. But do not envy those who put on weight too easily, especially those through unhealthy diets. It is better to understand the fundamentals behind healthy weight gain. This is where you can learn more on how to gain weight quickly and healthily

Before we tackle the issue of how to gain weight quickly, let us look at the reasons why scrawny and thin people fail in gaining weight successfully no matter how hard they try. Survey statistics discovered the following as the top reasons why they are not putting on weight:

1. Poor Diet

Skinny people are not eating right and enough. By that, it means that they are not eating foods that would help them to gain weight. Protein is critical in adding extra weight but many folks do not get enough protein intake. This is where things go awry. So how can they expect to gain weight quickly or for that matter, any significant weight improvement at all? It is important to load more on protein, and less on simple carbs. Read on for specific weight-gain diet foods.

2. Proper Work-out

Eating is not sufficient. We all need to engage in some kinds of physical activities to convert our food intake to healthy mass. This conversion can take place only with proper exercises. People who truly understand how to gain weight quickly do so in a healthy manner with proportionate muscle mass gain.

3. Poor Motivation

Weight gaining or slimming works in a similar manner. Medical practitioners have come to understand that the motivation behind the individual wanting to gain weight is vital to his/her success. Our generation is often called the “instant noodles” generation where everyone desires instant results. Weight gaining is not an overnight mission, but a long-term goal. Failing to understand this is a sure ingredient for weight gain failure.

Once we are able to acknowledge and work around the common grounds for failure, we are well on our way to successful quick weight gain. Are you ready for some easy-to-follow tips on how to gain weight quickly?

1. Weight Gain Diet Foods 101

I mentioned earlier that eating the right foods and eating enough of them is the key to weight gain. Foods such as fast food, chocolates and other junk food like chips won’t do you any good. Any weight gain from such foods would do your health more harm than good.

Cultivate a habit of eating more than your daily energy and calorie needs. First, find out what is your Basal Metabolic Rate (BMR) which equates your daily calorie need/count to maintain your weight at its current level. Next, start planning your weekly dietary plans to increase your weekly intake by 3500 calories to achieve a weight gain of 1-2 pounds within a week. This translates to an additional 500 calories in your daily calorie intake.

Eat more protein-based food stuff such as beef and chicken. Drink more milk for it is a rich source of protein. Balance your meals with vegetables and nuts as well. Eat 5 or 6 small meals rather than 3 big meals to balance the calorie intake.

2. Weight Gain and Muscle Mass Building Routine

You need to tone up the extra weight you are adding to your bodies so that you don’t end up obese. Depending on your preference for physical activities, the 2 kinds of activities recommended here would be useful in complementing with your weight gain diet.

Engage in moderate activities such as brisk walking, jogging or playing a sport for at least 30 minutes for 3-4 times per week. Try to inject some fun into your physical activity so that you would feel encouraged and motivated to cultivate this as a habit and eventually as part of your lifestyle.

Work out in the gym on some resistance training for at least 3 times per week. But before you do so, speak to a qualified physical training instructor who can advise on what exercise routine is suitable for you. If not, go to the library to read up on what are the work-out routines that are ideal for a person of your build and weight.

Knowing these simple tips on how to gain weight quickly should give you better knowledge than most people in the basic building blocks of gaining weight healthily. For more details about the ideal natural weight gain diet foods and more tips on how to gain weight and muscle mass simultaneously, visit my blog for further reading.

This article may be freely reprinted or distributed in its entirety in any ezine, newsletter, blog or website. The author's name, bio and website links must remain intact and be included with every reproduction.

Davion is a successful webmaster and author. Find out more about natural and effective tips on how to gain weight and muscle mass quickly that have benefited many skinny people at his blog http://gain-muscle-mass-weight.blogspot.com

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Gaining Weight

Here are answers and opinions from contributors:

• The best way to gain weight easily and safely is to work out and eat food anytime after 8:00 pm. The reason why is your body is relaxed at this point so your body does not burn off the calories which cause weight gain.

• If you really want to gain weight, do what has worked for the majority of Americans: Go on a diet! While you will experience a loss in weight intitally, your metabolism will slow down, and your body will shift into weight storage mode. When you do begin eating normally again, you will gain weight quickly and effortlessly. If you want to gain a lot of weight, diet for a long time. If a little weight will help you, even two weeks can reset your body's weight thermostat.

• Go to Dietitian website and click on 'underweight' on the left. Try the 'healthy body calculator' which personalizes a diet to suit your lifestyle and height. I have to eat around 15000kJ a day to gain 1kg per week. It has helped me so far, but I had to keep a diary at first to make sure I was eating enough. Generally if you are full all the time, you are probably eating enough to gain some weight.

• Just increase portion size, I gained a stone which I very much needed to in 3 weeks, but slightly decreasing my activity and increasing portion sizes. also drinking calorie drinks which I didn't before easily adds up calories. that's not to say have loads of soda because it's not good for you, but juices or squash, tea, coffee etc. do it in a healthy way, don't go binging on bad foods.

• Don't eat breakfast Exercise to make yourself tired, then eat a large lunch, then exercise some more and eat a large dinner, then go to sleep. Eating large amounts of food and then going to sleep is an easy way to gain weight because you don't work any of the food off.

How to gain weight?

While most of the people find overweight problems and struggle to keep the kilos off, others find it just as challenging to put weight on. It is due to improper diet and unhealthy practices that make many people lose their weight.

Risks associated with being too skinny include complications in surgery and slow recovery after illnesses. However it can be recovered by having proper diet that puts on weight. The energy density of foods is important factor to gain weight. Energy density refers to the amount of energy or calories compared to the weight of the food.

Some people are just naturally thin no matter how much they eat and the envy of those who gain weight easily. If you are thin and want to get bigger and gain weight, here's some "how to gain weight" information that I think you may be able to use.

Following are some of the guide lines for gaining weight
Good habits:
To gain weight, eat food with extremely high caloric value. Try to increase your food intake without consuming too much fat and sugar. Regular meals, especially breakfast, are important if you find it difficult to gain weight. Taking your time with meals and making sure you are relaxed is also important to ensure that your digestive system functions properly. Having some fixed timings and avoid eating in between so as to increase the hunger for food.

Eat more
Eat five or more meals a day. Drink plenty of fluids that supply calories like juice, milk, milkshakes, and sports beverages. Eat starchy grains and vegetables, such as rice, oats, pasta, potatoes, kumara, carrots and pumpkin. Add condiments such as yoghurt, sour cream, sauces and dressings to plain foods and salads. Eat bread with fatty spreads such as avocado, peanut butter and olive or canola oil margarines. Eating an extra 1000kJ over and above your daily needs can produce a weight increase of around 1kg per week.

Protein
Protein is essential to the body, for repair, to enable the immune system to function and for recovery from illness. If you are recovering from illness, it is important to include adequate protein in your diet. Good vegetarian sources of protein include: cereals, nuts & seeds, Soya products (Soya milk, tofu, tempeh etc) and pulses. Milk, yoghurt, cheese, and free-range eggs are also excellent protein sources for the non-vegan.

You must ensure that you include a protein source at each meal. Try to choose the energy dense sources of protein that are relatively soft and which do not contain to much fiber, for example, the Soya or dairy sources of protein. Eat dry fruits daily. Small size cashew nuts, almond and raisins have bundle of energy.

What Should You Eat To Gain Weight?
The following diet for gaining weight can supply those extra calories. Eat at least these group food items.

a) Milk Group: milk, cheese, yogurt, cottage cheese, ice cream.
b) Meat Group: meat, fish, poultry, eggs, dried beans and peas, nuts.
c) Vegetable Group: fresh, frozen, canned, juiced vegetables.
d) Fruit Group: Fresh, frozen, canned, dried, juiced fruits.
e) Grain Group: Cereals, breads, rolls, pasta, muffins, pancakes, grits, rice.

Alcohol can also be taken in small sips, perhaps before meals, as it may help improve your appetite. Alcohol must be taken after your doctor’s permission only. If you like oily food then try adding some vegetable oil or vegetable margarine to your food, particularly to mashed pulses, salads and potatoes. Go for fried foods if you love eating it.

Avoid Caffeine and Nicotine
Caffeine and nicotine are good stimulants and help to increase the metabolism of our body. Avoid having these stimulants in excess quantity to help your body retain maximum nutritional value from what you eat.

Eat Late
Having snacks at bedtime may help to gain weight, as long as it does not interfere with sleep. To gain optimal nutritional value from the food you have eaten you must relax after having meal.

Eat Frequently
If you have food just for one or two times than it slows down the weight gain since it makes you feel that your stomach is full. Go for smaller meals and snacks throughout the day since it increases the food intake of our body.

Exercise
While doing exercise it should be done such that muscles are stretched out. You don't have to do it excessively; rather you must subject your body to out of the ordinary stress each workout to grow muscle and to gain weight.

Inborn factors can play a large role in physique. If our parents are thin means we have less chance to put on weight. Many non-nutritional factors can also contribute to low body weight, such as stress or nervous tension. Good nutrition, rest, relaxation and regular exercise help in increasing body mass. So be happy and eat healthy food after all "Health is wealth".

By Yogesh Ambekar
Published: 8/23/2004